A schism has divided the animal rights movement over a controversial and buxom AR leader in Texas. Followers of the New Texas "Christian Hunting Animals to Save Them From Starvation" (CHATSTFS) have decided to unfriend millions of animal rights activists from their Facebook pages, causing the massive site to malfunction for three hours on Thursday.
Pamela Bertsch, the founder and President of Christian Hunting Animals To Save Them From Starvation, is not your typical animal rights activist--in fact, she is so unique, she has created a reformation to give the aging and ailing animal protection movement a buck shot in the arm. "That 'ol fashioned animal rights movement just doesn't suit our Texas style of barbecues, leather boots and fun bow hunting parties," said Ms. Berstch, throwing up her gorgeous long legs in Tazmanian bat skin boots on the coffee table at her home office in Dallas. "These weirdos in Los Angeles think that they run the animal rights movement and, well, they haven't learned the Texas way of helping animals yet and I'm gonna git er done."
Ms. Bertsch, a self proclaimed anti-puppy mill demonstrator and elephant savior, finds that adherence to the antiquated rules of the classic Animal Rights movement is just too restrictive and too small for her personal Texas-style animal protection movement. News of her breaking rank with the established organizations like The Humane Society of the United States has been rumored to be a major blow to the millions of members who count on her enormous financial support and guidance on important issues like hunting, rodeos, animal testing, hog baiting, quail fighting, peacock cross-dressing, elephant toe dancing, ant farm entertainment centers and the very important program of re-homing stray urban lemur colonies in the Dallas area where she lives and shops.
The philosophical skirmish started on Wednesday, when Ms. Bertsch posted a series of pro-hunting studies funded and published by a well-known mink conservation furrier in Fort Worth with ties to Blackwater and Glen Beck. Further investigation revealed that Glen Beck has donated several million dollars to Ms. Bertsch's foundation, leading animal rights activists in N.Y. and Washington to retaliate by unfriending her permanently on Facebook. One Washington activist, JP Goodwin, attempted to negotiate the secession of the group from the established AR community, fearing that the argument might further divide activists who are, as Ms. Bertsch exclaims, "going to hell and those who are going to heaven."
The hundreds of millions of dollars at stake could mean that monies that were to be spent on fighting Japanese whale rave parties and Canadian seal club dancers might instead be allocated to a non-Jewish pro-bow-hunting coalition of Texan libertarian anti-abortionist and anti public option health care for migrant deer loyalists.
"My husband is a hunter and he gave me a brand new elk head for my birthday this year," said Ms. Bertsch. I get a nice, rare head every year. We've mounted it over our bed and when we pray together, the Elk seems to look down on us and pray to Jesus with us. We're so happy for him to be on our bedroom wall over the bed because if it wasn't for my honey-pie, he would have starved to death. It's a good thing he was killed by being shot. It's the Christian way."
Ms. Bertsch had aroused some jealousy from Jewish Animal Rights activists and the remaining two Muslim Animal rights activists when she proclaimed that the only way to go to heaven was to accept Jesus as their personal savior or they would be going to hell, where there are no animals at all. She told a very distraught Los Ageles animal advocate Carole Davis that she was "in a vortex of satanic forces because of her inappropriate affiliation with her Orthodox Jewish Cairn Terrier."
Carole Davis, the West Coast Director of the Orange County Stray Mice Society, has retreated into talks with the heads of the International Termite Protection Organization and the 45 million-member Bunnies Against Iranian Nuclear Proliferation Society (BAINPS) to discuss how to deal with the loss of such an important member of the CA animal rights movement.
"I'll never get over this," said Carole Davis, shaking her head. "When she unfriended me on Facebook, I thought the world had fallen down. I keep singing the same song over and over. 'How am I supposed to live without you?' by Michael Bolton. Somehow, we must pick up the pieces and continue this movement. The animals depend on us. It's a shame we can't work together."
THIS IS A SATIRE!